Letting go of a relationship that used to fill your heart can be a daunting process. The thought of removing your ex-spouse from your life can shake you to your core, especially after all those years of investing to keep the relationship alive. Yet, simultaneously it will be the most rewarding experience when you release yourself from the emotional burden that’s currently impacting your life.
Most often when going through a divorce, it’s not your ex-spouse you’re struggling to let go of. It’s the vision of what you once thought your life was going to be like and the memories you have created together. This type of mindset can keep you stuck, as you are holding onto the past and the future. Two things you cannot change for the better. The only power you have is finding true happiness in the present moment.
While your love story may have ended unexpectedly, it doesn’t mean your life has to end too. In fact, this is your chance to cultivate a new lifestyle, bringing greater fulfillment and chasing your dreams you’ve always wanted for yourself.
So how do you begin letting go after divorce?
It all starts the moment you begin decluttering your life from toxic energies and creating space for positivity. When you are able to let go of what no longer serves you, then you will begin carving out a path to a healthier you and lifestyle. And the sooner you are able to live from a place of abundance, the easier it will be to let go of what no longer fills your heart.
Your new path launches as you learn to reconnect and love yourself in a way that gives your heart what it ultimately deserves – bliss.
Here Are 5 Steps To Follow When It Comes To Letting Go After Divorce
1. Make The Decision
Making the decision to let go is often the biggest hurdle to overcome. Your life is a sum of all the choices you make. The same choice you previously made to marry your ex-partner comes from the same place when it comes to making the choice to let go.
As you begin to honor your new lifestyle, you give yourself permission to let go of anything that’s not worth keeping. The freedom to create your new vision will help you see what you want and need, creating clarity and certainty in your life.
When you establish a new life vision with actionable goals, it provides you with life purpose and fulfillment towards a happier you. For example, if your new lifestyle means falling in love with yourself again or going back to school and pursuing your dream job, how will you achieve your goals if you are weighed down by a situation or person who is no longer supportive? In order to reach new goals, you will want to make sure nothing is holding you back so you can heal and move forward.
It’s time to put yourself first.
2. Clarify Your Responsibility
A healthy relationship requires a joint effort from both parties to be successful. And, on the contrary, lack of responsibility from both partners results in an impasse. In this case, going separate ways for good. As you begin to take ownership of your feelings and actions, this will enable you to accept your role in the process of letting go.
While you cannot change the past, you can self-reflect to gather insight into what you want and don’t want for yourself. Facing personal challenges and struggles can sometimes be the most difficult aspect of letting go because it’s so much easier to place blame on the other party. Yet, when you blame others and withdraw from responsibility, you fail to see your truth and often repeat the cycle all over again.
This may be your biggest moment of growth, giving yourself the best gift in life.
3. Seek Peace and Patience
Letting go is not an overnight process, it will still take some time to reach serenity. Patience will become your best friend through the process and keeping you strong to push forward day after day. There will be waves of emotions that rise and fall as you come to terms with the dissolution of your marriage. But, you are the catalyst for rebuilding your inner peace.
Unfortunately, there is no magic pill you can take, no new lover that will rescue you, and no amount of freshly baked donuts that will make the pain disappear into thin air. The only way to overcome the turmoil is to process your feelings, have patience with yourself and do activities that make you feel good.
As they say, time heals all wounds. While this is true, being positively proactive will help you achieve inner peace and be grateful for everything you do have. Your most inner beliefs and thoughts lead you to the actions you take each day. So, the healthier you are in engaging in activities that bring you peace, like yoga, meditation, mindful eating, and positive affirmations, the stronger you will become mentally and emotionally.
4. Live In The Present
As you learn to let go of the past, you’ll want to put your best foot forward and focus on the here and now. It can be challenging to create happiness in your life if you keep replaying your past memories on repeat or holding onto your old vision. Living in the past can often lead to a “depressed” state while living in the future can be full of “anxious” feelings.
Happiness comes from living in the NOW, as you have WON the moment.
The best way to create fulfillment in the present moment is to simplify your life. Let go of what you can’t control, pursue your dream job, release heartache and grudges, find gratitude in your day, and most importantly carve out a self-care and self-love routine. It truly does not take much for us to be happy, as little as fifteen minutes a day to nourish your soul. You just have to be willing to see it, believe it, and live it!
5. Find Forgiveness
You may have no desire to forgive your ex-spouse for the agony you have faced through the divorce, but this will be essential to healing your heart. While it seems impossible right now, understanding forgiveness will help you reach a state of peace.
To clarify, forgiveness doesn’t mean:
- Accepting malicious behavior and excusing another person’s actions
- You have to forget your feelings about that person
- You have to tell the person they are forgiven
- The other person still has to be in your life (unless co-parenting)
- Everything is going to be okay now between you and the other person
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the person who betrayed you.
By finding forgiveness, you are coming to terms with the dissolution of your marriage and acknowledging for what it was. You understand your marriage has run its course while accepting everyone has their flaws based on their limiting beliefs. When someone’s limiting beliefs are skewed, they often act without the realization. However, it may be harmful to a partner because they are fixated on only getting their needs met, not what’s good for the partnership. While this is not an excuse for their behavior, it can help bring light to the situation through understanding.
If you believe in love, you are bound to face heartache at some point in your life. What is important is that you have the courage to forgive yourself knowing you took the risk to reap the reward. And, while every love story doesn’t have a happy ending, when you give yourself the power to let go it allows you to find happiness again.
Discovering how to let go and find your authentic self sets you free from the burden of others. Knowing you are worthy of love, compassion, and joy, allows you to heal and live from a place of love. The relationship you have with yourself gives you the braveness to breathe while learning how to live your best life.
Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas, MA, MFT, CPC are Family Mediators and Co-Parenting Coaches. Having grown up with divorced parents, the sisterly duo’s passion is to support and educate families going through separations or divorces on how to develop collaborative family relationships. Through their Resolve and Evolve co-parenting program, their solutions are a blend of psychology and real-world experience. They are highly accomplished in solving every complex family, parenting, and relationship problem. Jan and Jillian are also the founders of Entwined Lifestyle, Relationship & Lifestyle Coaches, who offer coaching services internationally to driven women and men looking to cultivate a fulfilling lifestyle through their relationships, personally and professionally. They have appeared on The JamTv Show, Naperville Television, AE Wheel House Radio, Estee Lauder’s Beauty Love Panel and various lifestyle podcasts. Their advice has been featured in publications including: Yahoo Lifestyle, Thrive Global, Bustle, Unwritten, Thought Catalog, YourTango, TheGoodMenProject, GoDates, The Minds Journal, Yahoo Sports, Everyday Power, Take The Lead, and Medium. You can learn more about Jan and Jillian and their mediation and coaching programs at divorcefamilymediations.com
P.S. Want more tools and resources to stay positive during a divorce? Download my Free Divorce Survive & Thrive Kit below!
With support and strength,